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All the guns I need

May 31, 2012

Hoploplenophobia: n. (from Greek hoplon “arms” + Latin plenus “full” + phobos “fear”) The fear or dread one feels upon realizing he has all the guns he needs.

“What does cocaine make you feel like? It makes you feel like having more cocaine.” – George Carlin

There are two kinds of gun people: gun users and gun nuts. Gun users are those for whom a firearm is a tool – peace officers, security guards, warfighters, hunters and even farmers. When you hear the cryptic old saw “Beware the man with only one gun…,” this is that man (or woman, of course).

Then there’s the gun nut. This is the person for whom guns are more than tools. They admire them for their mechanics, their finish and — let’s admit it — the feeling of power it confers, and not necessarily physical power – sometimes it’s the power of having the coolest gun on the range or having a gun that “makes a statement.” Or (stop me if this sounds familiar) having the “right” gun for [insert unlikely event here – anything from “zombie apocalypse” to “neutralizing an assailant at 300 yards through five inches of steel-plated cover.”] Some people accessorize their personalities with shoes, some with gadgets. Gun nuts do it with guns.

I am a gun nut. And today is a terrifying day.

Today is the day I realized I may have all the guns I need.

Check out My Four Guns for the End of America. USA Carry’s Jason Hanson, late of the CIA, renders his practical opinion for the battery you’ll need for the Collapse of Western Civilization. Ready?

Glock 17 or 19. Check.

Remington 870. I have a Mossberg Maverick. Close enough.

Ruger 10/22. The Remington 597 is more accurate and again, it’s close enough.

AR-15. Got it.

Uh oh.

I’ve spent countless hours making charts to determine if I have just the perfect gun to fit particular scenarios. For example (click to see a larger version):

Like you haven’t done this yourself. Maybe not as methodically as I did, but come on. “What about bears on the trail?” “What about a Katrina-like situation?” “A pandemic?” There’s always a reason to get just one… more… gun.

And there are many reasons to be satisfied with the guns you have. For one, guns cost money. For another, contentment is a truly wonderful virtue. But most of all, you probably have all the guns you need. It’s a strangely unsettling thought, probably akin to what a multimillionaire feels when he realizes, “Holy crap. I’ve got more money than I can possibly ever spend.” I even coined a word for it: hoploplenophobia.

The trouble is, multimillionaires tend to hang out with billionaires. And hoploplenophobics hang around with other, better-equipped gun nuts. So it won’t be long before I’ll be feeling the bug for that .308 scout rifle.

That’s when I have to remind myself: I have all the guns I need.


From → Commentary, Firearms

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